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Jamie vs Fast Food
By Margaret "March" Channing
“So David, how am I going to recognize you when I see you? I don’t actually know what you look like. You’ve never shown anyone a picture of yourself” Jamie said over the phone.
“Don’t worry. You’ll recognize me” David replied in a creepy voice. He hung up the phone.
Jamie grimaced at the thought. David could be borderline erratic and psychopathic on the podcast they shared. Different images flashed through Jamie’s mind as he guessed how he would recognize David. Each image involved a different topic from the podcast; suddenly Jamie hoped David would just be holding a sign, but David’s creepy tone had suggested otherwise.
Sure enough, when Jamie rounded the corner of the airport, he saw David.
David was standing away from the rest of the crowd.
The rest of the crowds had actually formed a circle of empty space around David in an attempt to stay away from him.
David had a paper bag over his head.
“Jamie!” David shouted. He began jumping up and down to draw more attention to himself.
The people around David moved farther away.
Jamie waved weakly back hoping that would make David stop being strange.
Sadly, this did not work.
David didn’t have time to stop waving or jumping before he was tackled to the ground by men in suits with guns announcing themselves as ‘NSA’.
An hour later, after a long discussion with the NSA about what was and was not allowed to sound like non-terrorists, David and Jamie were allowed to leave. To David’s dismay, the NSA had also taken his paperbag.
“First things first!” David announced happily. He escorted Jamie in a fast food building and stood proudly before the counter. “Taco Bell!”
To his surprise, Jamie actually enjoyed Taco Bell’s food. He hadn’t known what to expect from an American fast food chain, but the food was enjoyable.
Until twenty minutes later when David and Jamie were playing Outlast.
“I’m feeling so good” Jamie complained as his stomach started to rebel. “I think I might have gotten the flu on the way here.”
“Really?” David asked from under the blanket he was hiding under. On the television screen, his character was losing night vision on his camera. Again.
“Yeah” Jamie said as his insides grinded together. “I feel like I’m going to vomit.”
Jamie’s words seemed to have triggered something in his lower digestive track. He sprinted off to the bathroom with the screech of a pterodactyl-banshee hybrid.
“Oh, Jamie that’s not the flu” David informed as he kept his focus on the game and not his apparently dying friend.
“What?” Jamie replied weakly as his bowels ejected fire.
“That’s just ‘Taco Hell’.”
“It’s the flip side of Taco Bell. All that delicious food you just ate and practically foodgasmed over? Now comes the hell part.”
“Hell part? HOLY SHIT!!! MY INSIDES ARE TRYING TO BECOME MY OUTSIDES!!!”
“Yes. This is Taco Hell.”
“I THINK I JUST GAVE BIRTH TO THE KRACKEN!!!!”
“Good luck with that.”
------Later that evening outside Wendy’s------
“Wendy’s can’t be as bad as Taco Bell, right?” Jamie nervously asked David.
“Not at all” David replied with a shake of his head. “Wendy’s doesn’t have a horrible nickname like Taco Bell. It’s pretty good.”
Jamie breathed a sigh of relief as he entered the building.
“Most of the time” David whispered as he entered the building behind Jamie.
------One hour later-------
“IS THERE ANY AMERICAN FOOD THAT I CAN EAT?!?!?!” Jamie screamed from the bathroom.
David remained quiet.
“THERE HAS TO BE SOME SORT OF FOOD THAT IS NOT VILE TO MY STOMACH!!!!”
David continued to remain silent.
“OH COME ON!!!!”
“I guess we Americans are better adapted to different things than your petty British stomach.” David commented smugly.
“Is there anything I can eat?” Jamie asked coming out of the bathroom.
David thought for a moment and walked to his refrigerator.
“I’ve got some bratwursts in here.”
“Bratwursts? I thought you were Irish not German.”
“Why would you think I was Irish?”
“I dunno, because you have red hair” Jamie pouted out.
David paused for a moment in thought before he threw his package of bratwursts at Jamie.
“Welcome to the Melting Pot bitch!” David shouted.