The Adventures of Team Autumn: The Building of the Temporally/Time-traveling Machine-thing and the Ocean
By Margaret "March" Channing
Jamie heard a strange noise in his backyard. It almost sounded like a strangled moose being attacked by a demon cow. This strange noise was soon followed by a string of colorful swear words in a familiar voice. There was silence for a moment before a knocking at the door. Jamie put down his 2DS with its small 4GB card, and cautiously opened his front door.
He saw a man with a paper bag over his head.
Understandably his screamed and slammed the door.
Another curse came through the door accompanied a scream of pain.
“Jamie! It’s me! David!” The man called through the door.
Jamie opened the door again and saw that the paper bag had been removed and it was indeed David. He looked sour and was holding his bleeding nose.
“Hello David. Why are you in England? And how did you know where I lived?” Jamie asked suddenly realizing that he’d never actually told David where he lived.
Jamie looked around expecting to see cameras hidden around his house. When he looked back at David, the ginger punched him.
“Now we’re even” David said smugly.
“Did you come all this way to punch me in the nose?!” Jamie asked checking for blood.
David rolled his eyes. “Of course not. I finished building the dimension traveling machine.”
With that explanation, David ran to Jamie’s front lawn and motioned proudly to a cardboard box labeled with sharpie.
“Taa-daa!!” David sang proudly.
Jamie was now aware that his best friend had lost his mind.
“Right. That looks … awesome, David” Jamie congratulated while slowly backing up towards his door.
“Wait until you see the inside” David ushered with maniacal enthusiasm.
“Wait what?” Were the only syllables Jamie was able to get out before David started to drag him to the box.
Jamie, understandably, did not want to be in a 3’x3’ area with his friend. Before he could try to escape however, he was pushed through the cardboard door. To his immediate surprise, it was bigger on the inside than he expected. He looked around in surprise at the different bobbles and buttons on the console.
“I call it the Temporally Improbable Nexus Traveling the Universe’s Random Dimensions” David announced proudly.
Jamie paused for a moment and went over the absurd name in his head.
“Wait a moment. Do you realize that spells TIN TURD?” Jamie asked.
The color and pride drained from David’s face in realization.
“Shit. I have to change the name now.” David immediately replied heading to the consol.
“It’s too late to turn back now! I’m calling it the TIN TURD” Jamie announced enjoying David’s dismay.
David groaned, and so the space-traveling dimension touring machine was called the TIN TURD.
---------one hour later after extensively exploring the TIN TURD--------
“Can we go see Poison Ivy now?” Jamie asked.
David shrugged, “Sure. I haven’t tried to travel dimensions yet so let’s give it a shot.”
“Wait, you haven’t test driven this thing yet?” Jamie asked.
He suddenly felt afraid.
“Going to your house was the test drive” David said with a crazed look in his eyes.
Jamie suddenly felt very afraid.
“To Poison Ivy!” David shouted.
Before reason could set in that they needed to test-drive the TIN TURD, David started hitting random buttons and he pulled the big lever that said ‘Travel’. The TIN TURD suddenly shook and made the noise of a thousand cuccos attacking. Jamie tried to find something to hold onto, but David ignored the blatant turbulence with the look of a mad scientist. The feeling of being tumbled through a clothes dryer stopped and David stepped away from the console.
“We’re here” David announced proudly.
Jamie uncurled himself from the corner and ran to the door.
“Where’s Poison Ivy?” He asked looking around.
To his surprise, he wasn’t standing in Gotham City. Instead, he was standing in a clump of trees and looking at a beach full of people.
“Oops” David’s voice echoed from behind Jamie.
“What does oops mean?” Jamie asked turned around.
David walked to the door with a grimace. “We’re not in Gotham; we’re in Hawaii.”
“Wasn’t the TIN TURD supposed to find Poison Ivy?” Jamie countered sadly.
“It did” David reassured. “You’re standing in it.”
-------Thirty minutes later--------
Jamie had thoroughly washed the poison ivy off of his shoes, legs, and feet, and decided to take a swim while David fine-tuned the TIN TURD. Within a few minutes of swimming, Jamie realized something was terribly wrong. The sea gulls, which had been squawking annoyingly a minute ago, had all flown away. The water had dropped a few noticeable degrees. The main indication to Jamie that something was wrong was when he felt something touch his foot.
He looked down and immediately shat his pants.
Below him was an eye.
The eye was larger than his entire person.
Jamie screamed like a prepubescent teenage girl.
David looked outside the TIN TURD to see Jamie swimming for his life while something obviously larger swam lazily after. Thinking that he should save his friend, David looked around the inside of the TIN TURD for something that could help him. Conveniently, there was a button on the console labeled ‘Drain Ocean’. David looked at the button for a moment and thought of the consequences of draining the largest body of water on the Earth.
Outside, Jamie screamed again.
David sighed resignedly and decided to save his friend. He pressed the button.
The TIN TURD shook as a giant straw came out of the side and started to drain the ocean.
Jamie ran as soon as his feet touched the ground and didn’t bother to look behind him until he reached the TIN TURD. David, however, looked out the door with an expression of amazement on his face.
“Dude! That’s a megalodon!” David exclaimed excitedly.
As David walked closer to the now beached animal, Jamie began to honestly question his friend’s sanity. While David was admiring the thrashing huge beast and raving about the amazing existence of the animal, Jamie was distracted by the sudden shaking of the ground. Jamie walked back to the beach, giving the megalodon and his friend a wide berth, until he reached the ocean drop off. In the distance he could hear what sounded like a roar.
“David” Jamie said cautiously.
David was now talking about training a megalodon to be a pet that he could ride.
A small red light suddenly shown in the distance that looked remarkably like fire.
“David” Jamie said a little louder.
David was now talking about genetically engineering a megalodon army to serve him.
The roar in the distance was now louder and Jamie could barely make out what it was.
“DAVID!” Jamie shouted.
The sudden noise snapped David out of his ramblings. He walked over to where Jamie stood and followed his eye-line.
“HOLY SHIT! It’s Godzilla!” David exclaimed showing the same level of excitement that Jamie felt in fear.
Sure enough Godzilla was walking on the dried up ocean bed, and was heading towards them. Every other human on the beach was trying to run away. Even some of the unfortunate people in fishing boats were trying to run away; although Godzilla caught up to them and vaporized them with his atomic breath.
David was drooling at the sight, and Jamie was almost positive he was thinking of ways to get himself a pet Godzilla.
“David, we need to put the water back in the ocean! Now!” Jamie said almost frantically.
“But this is the perfect monster movie opportunity” David countered. “It’s Godzilla vs the Megalodon.”
Jamie looked in shock from his excited friend to the helplessly flopping megalodon to the quickly closing in Godzilla.
“We will die if you don’t put the water back” Jamie pointed out.
David sighed and had the look of child that had their favorite toy taken away.
“Fine” David relented miserably.
David walked back to the TIN TURD and pressed the conveniently labeled ‘Ocean Putter-Backer’ button. While Jamie wondered why that button would ever exist in the first place, the giant straw that had sucked up the ocean turned into a giant shower head to replace the ocean’s water.
Godzilla roared indignantly before it quickly disappeared below the water level. The megalodon flopped ocean more on the sand before the water lever was high enough for it to disappear. It apparently decided once every few million years was enough of surface life because it disappeared into the ocean depths.
Jamie watched all this happen with a look of indignant shock.
“No one will ever believe me.”
Behind him at the console, David was staring at one button with maniacal glee. Jamie turned around just in time to see David press the button before they both disappeared in a noise that sounded similar to a yowling cat.